TESTIMONY & ARTICLES
><> With Love From JC to JC <><


My search is over. I finally found "the way, and the truth, and the life" (Jn. 14:6). He's always been with me. I wasn't. The events of my search and shift from skepticism, shallowness, sexuality, sensuality and stupidity to spirituality, serendipity and solace in the Scriptural spiritual soul mate are both humorous and heart rending.

I knew Him as a child when I wrote a poem moved by the passion on Good Friday. I then embraced the world till the Word touched, filled, quenched, soaked, drenched and anointed me. Hallelujah!

What did I do? Nothing. Did I deserve it? No. Was I in a church? Not for at least the last 16 years. Did I attend mass? Yes occasionally for births, deaths, baptisms, marriages, always for Christmas and Easter and earlier when my parents forced me to attend. Did I celebrate the mass? Mass was so boring that I watched the fashion parade and was lost in reverie. Was I religious? Not really. Did I know my prayers? No. Was I a saint? Definitely not. Did I believe in God? Yes. Did I want to experience God? Yes. Was I searching? Yes. Had I ever been for a retreat in my life? No. Did I know about the Charismatic renewal? I thought they were gossiping crackmatics. How did it happen? Divine intervention.

A person whom I affectionately call Tambi (younger brother in Tamil) subscribed for Vachanolsavam and Divine Voice in my name. Out of curiosity I started reading about crippled people who were leaping and jumping miraculously. At night a fleeting thought passed my mind - "Hey Jesus for the last couple of months my ankle hurts can't you do something?" The next morning was pain free. The more I read the more I realized that I was at a stage in my life when things around me could certainly have been better. The thought of attending the retreat just grew on me so I decided to try Jesus out and be in the gap for my family.

I got confirmed train tickets, to go and return, in less time than it takes to buy a local ticket. Then all hell broke loose. A family member suddenly passed away on the high seas. Our dog nearly followed and was turning blue when Jesus stepped in and miraculously got him on his feet, exactly as prayed for. I was present for all my family obligations. Then there was a deluge. I left almost a day later but arrived just in time for the start of the retreat. The timing was perfect and precise considering that I had no control or prior knowledge of the sequence of any of these events. This was no coincidence. There had to be a higher power at work.

The first two days were like a culture shock. I found some folks hollering hysterically with their hands held high. Hallelujah? What's that? Are they praying or are they possessed? What is wrong with them? Am I at the right place? Is this a retreat centre or a mad house? Some were making weird eerie sounds, which were unnerving. What about silence, meditation and contemplation? What mess have I got myself in? I just wanted to pray for my family, relations and friends. Oh God please protect me as I am stuck here for a week. After lunch my mind was meandering while my eyelids were drooping. Oh God this is wearing out.

Then the Word arrested me. My attention was aroused. My mind focused. I bought a Bible. The funny part is that I never knew that you needed one at a retreat. It got more humorous. I hadn't the faintest idea where the Scripture quotations were from. With one hand on the index and the other balancing a book and pen and a lot of help from my confused friends on the back bench I just about jotted things down frantically, and rapid read them later. Intriguing but interesting. Just hearing a preacher witness about his life had me holding back my tears. Men don't cry. The man said as if to me, "People here are trying to control their tears. As soon as they are touched by the Holy Spirit their tears will flow and they will have no control." - Very Prophetic.

We were initiated into Praise and Worship. We were goaded to sing hymns and to shout "Praise the Lord" and "Hallelujah" and clap our hands and raise them. I frankly could not do it. I was shy and extremely self-conscious. I liked the music even though it was not perfect, but could not praise loudly and that too in public. I was inhibited in nothing in life but Praising God I guess.

The preachers were preparing us for a life confession. I was now getting into the swing of things and I was busy writing my sins down -- in brief -- so that no one else would be able to figure it out. The best joke is that I could not figure it out myself. The priest sternly stated, "On pain of death you will not repeat these sins". I told him I wasn't sure but I would certainly try. He asked me to say the act of contrition. "What's that?" I inquired.

Counseling was comic. I got a very sweet person who started telling me her problems. I wasn't sure who was counseling whom. As a nun in tears interrupted us, I laughed and told her, "Listen honey I am tired of this talk about the Holy Spirit. I just want to be touched by the Holy Spirit. Period. Everything else will fall into place." She joined in the laughter and we parted.

10 minutes later -- It happened. When we were singing and praising, I felt someone touch my inner left elbow. I opened my eyes and found everyone doing their own thing with their eyes shut. So I shut mine and shrugged. My imagination is working overtime. It happened again. My eyes flew open. There was no one in close proximity. I was sure something was happening but I did not know what. Is it the hand of God? I was quite startled. I felt joy and was thankful. The counselor was surprised. "Did you actually feel Him?" Then the Holy Spirit counseled me.

Things started happening. When healings were mentioned the persons' faces flashed in my mind. I just knew that I knew what I knew was true. Later that day we were told to pray by laying hands on the person near us. I did not know him from Adam and try as I may I couldn't get emotive in my prayer. As soon as the realization of this selfish streak struck me repentance followed and the tears surfaced. I was shocked. I could feel electricity surge through my whole being. Love, joy and peace flowed through me. I was filled with the Holy Spirit. Thank you Jesus. This lasted for quite a while and kept on re-occurring. A current of electricity jumping from my right to the left palm had me jumping up from my seat to give a testimony. When testifying the emotion was peculiar and detached as if I was the participant and observer simultaneously. As if I was talking and listening at once. I was just the mouthpiece and said whatever came to my mind. Some people were visibly moved. I had nothing to do with it. The Holy Spirit did.

The next day was an anticlimax. I couldn't feel a thing. If at all I felt low and vulnerable. Holy Spirit have I grieved you? "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (1 Th. 5:16). I'll try. Later that day I could feel the Fire. Much later I learnt that life in the Holy Spirit was not always a high. There were often periods of just silence, waiting and listening.

I returned blessed and bubbling with joy. The funny part is that what I had gone for did not take place but something altogether different happened. I wasn't complaining. The rebirth is rejuvenating. The JESUS experience through the HOLY SPIRIT is just divine.

Jesus hadn't finished with me. I was talking to Him and about Him and I couldn't keep shut. The invitation to partake of the bread and wine is great times with Jesus - laying my burdens at the altar, the exchange, thanking, praising and experiencing His presence. My language changed from crude to chaste. I switched from worldly to worship music (My Dance with D?VI? -- The Examiner Vol.150 No.39 dated September 25, 1999 pages 14-16). Earlier I woke up to gross thoughts now its songs and Scripture verses. I moved from "Jesus I have no faith" to "What is impossible for man is possible for God" (Lk. 18:27). Earlier I relied on human beings now its "Happy are those who put their trust in the Lord" (Is. 30:18). Startling transformation. My colleagues dubbed me "Sant Cordeiro" (Saint in Hindi). I laughed. "You must be joking. I am no saint. Saved sinner perhaps. God knows".

There were a lot of gray areas. So I went back to the "Spirit of truth" (Jn. 14:17). My daily Bible readings touched me at my point of need. In prayer time the Sprit showed me while you Praise you move very subtly to Worship and then you experience the Glory of God. I realized that what was needed was my availability not my ability. More is less and vice versa. The more I knew the less I knew. It was always less of me and more of Him. He required humility and surrender. "Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit says our Lord of hosts" (Zech. 4:6). God came first followed by family and lastly career. When I walked the talk in faith and faced severe adversity on this count He instructed -- "I am the Lord your God. You shall have no gods before me" (Ex. 20:2,3). "Honor your father and your mother" Ex. 20:12). "If your ruler becomes angry with you, do not hand in your resignation; serious wrongs may be pardoned if you keep calm" (Eccl. 10:4). Jesus always did the impossible. When I was unsure -- "Do not be afraid -- I am with you!" (Is. 43:5). When confused and torn between the world and worship -- "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God -- what is good and acceptable and perfect" (Rom. 12:2). When I was sad -- "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice" (Phil. 4:4). When I was on the edge - "Jesus please save me I am falling." He parted the Red Sea. I felt the power of His name. Jesus never fails.

Suddenly one day I told the Holy Spirit, "Thank you for getting my Spiritual life on track. Now take a break while I set my worldly life in order." DON'T ever make this mistake. I felt empty, lonely and lost. I was tearfully repentant. Jesus please "do not take your Holy Spirit away from me" (Ps. 51:11). I felt the Presence again. Joy. Thanks.

Everything was not a bed of roses. "The effect will wear out", I was cautioned. On the contrary it has strengthened. "How do we know what Spirits have touched you?" I experienced "love, joy and peace" (Gal. 5:22), isn't that the fruit of the Holy Spirit? "What denomination do you belong to?" I recalled that Jesus told John in Mk. 9:40 "Whoever is not against us is for us". I was insulted and abused when I spoke about God or got sniggers and sneers. Initially I was hurt and prayed that they receive an in filling of the Holy Spirit. Then I came across the Beatitudes, the Sermon on the Mount - "Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven" (Mt. 5:11). My sadness turned into gladness.

The Potter had not finished with this clay. Even though I was anointed, I had not released my mother to Jesus. When my mum, for the first time ever, asked me to pray for her in the hospital what flashed in my mind was the scene of the crucifixion where Jesus tells his most loved disciple, "She is your mother" (Jn. 19:27). I said, "Jesus please take care of my mother. Thanks". I felt a release. My mum survived prompting the doctor to remark, "for the last ten years she is alive due to prayers and faith." Six months later I did not get what I had been praying for. I got much more. Half an hour before my mum peacefully passed away, with her entire family around her, I desperately opened the Bible for a sign. What I got was John 11:25 -26; "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die." At the exact moment my mum passed away I experienced complete Peace. I just knew that I knew what I knew. She is with HIM. I am happy for her. At the funeral mass the Scripture reading was Jn. 11:25-26. At the memorial mass, which took place amidst controversy, the readings were Ps. 23, "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want" and Ps. 118:22, "The stone that the builders rejected has become the chief cornerstone". Poetic justice. Divinely orchestrated.

What held me together? What strengthened my relationship with Jesus Christ? His Mercy. His Grace. His Peace. His Love. In Jn. 3:16 I observed, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life." In Mt. 5:43 Jesus said, "Love your enemies". Paul wrote, "Faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love" (1 Cor. 13:13). Finally in 1Jn.4: 8, "God is love".

Unfinished symphony. Everlasting Love (Jer. 31:3).
Jesus Christ loves Jose' Cordeiro. JC JC. Jose' Cordeiro loves Jesus Christ.

Christains -- Aargh or WoW?

Christians -- Aargh or Wow?